PEARLIZA

What does PEARLIZA means?

This is what a guy wrote about my name:


Praying is the only thing I can do for now
To make you see what I want you to see somehow
To let you feel what I want you to feel is what I desire
Hoping someday you'll see me as me and feel my heart's on fire.

Every time I look into your eyes I feel something free
Like diamonds in the skies is what I see
I couldn't see what's deep inside your heart
And I don't know whether to laugh or to cry, but I'm sure it tore me apart.

And no matter how hard I try I really couldn't see
Why now I feel so trapped when my heart used to be free
I tried to figure out what exactly have you done
That I gave up my heart up for you, you have two and I have none.

Romantic songs floated in the air in the advent of twilight
Teasing the melancholic thoughts that I so hardly tried to fight
Gone were the fake smiles that I wear in the day
As the evening slipped by and turned the blue skies to gray.

Light is what I see when you are standing beside me
Every time you speak your voice is so care free
I want to cuddle you and I want to hug you
A moment without you in my life will surely make me blue.

In love, is too short to describe the things that I felt for you
Coz you are part or maybe the real reason of my life
You gave me comfort and inspiration by just looking at me
The moment you touched me, you gave me life and love forever be.

Zenith of my soul, is what you are to me
You are like an angel sent for me from above
Your beauty and spirit gave me zealous that I want to have
You showered me with your smiles and with your love.

And must I give up my hopes to own you heart for once
Or should I go on and ask you for one sole chance?
I'm afraid that I can't fight this feeling any longer
So can you please be mine so I can hold you forever?

credits: JSV - October 9, 1999 1:30am

Moments

Love him, Yes I do

Do you love him? Yes I do. With all my heart. I loved him since the first time I saw him. I love him dearly and sincerely. He is my friend and I can't muster the courage to tell him what I felt. My heart always aches every time we part ways. Every time we bid goodbyes, my heart keeps on saying no, telling me to stay and be with him. But I don't have the courage to stay, to let all my feelings out. What I feel for him is true and I felt this for him for some time now. I am in love with him and I long for him to love me back.

The guy

There's this guy I've met 5 years ago. He's good looking, articulate, funny, responsible and he's my friend.

I've fallen for him since the first day I laid eyes on him.

For the past 5 years, I haven't mastered the courage to tell him what I felt for him. I have since given birth to my daughter and I had other relationships but deep within the crevices of my heart, I'm longing for him.

It's one of the toughest thing to do. To tell the one guy that I love him and risk losing a great friend.

Blog Writing Contest

Our company has launched a series of contests for employees to join. One of them is the Blog Writing Contest. I want to join. I don't want to join. I want to join. I don't want to join. These decisions are pounding in the head. I've been pensive about this and yet I have not come up with a reasonable decision.

I'm afraid. I'm ashamed. I don't want to loose. I want to prove something. I don't want to loose. I want to prove something. I know it's crazy but I really wanted to join but I don't want to loose. I don't want to fail. But I am a human being. And a human being that I am is bound to fail. Whether I like it or not, I'm bound to fail.

No! I've failed a lot already. I don't want to endure another round of failure.

I'm just confused. Help me.

The guys

On wednesday, I saw this guy on the street while I was waiting for a jeepney ride. I was on my way to work. He's tall. He was wearing a yellow collared shirt. He's good looking. He looked at me and I turned away. Shy has prompted me to act like that. I was wearing a skirt that day. I had my oversized shades to cover my eyes and to shield away the shyness.

At 28 and having gone through multiple relationships, I still blush when I see a cute guy. Especially when the guy throws an interesting look at me. I am not good in personal introductions not unless in a business setting but there's nothing really personal in a business setting.

I must admit that I am still struggling with my own demons. The demon of low self esteem. Whenever I look myself in the mirror, I always see this girl with long curly hair, beautiful lips and soulful eyes. I see myself as beautiful and I am always thankful of the way I look. However, it always changes when I mingle around with people. Especially beautiful people and more especially if someone stares at me.

I don’t like being stared at. It gives me a feeling of being unworthy especially if the other person is quite good looking.

I know I need to fight this demon. God, please give me the strength to overcome this.

On thursday, on my way home, I saw another guy. I guess he works in a bank because his uniform looks like he does. He's between 30-35. Tall, lean and handsome. No wedding ring. He was sitting right across from where I was sitting. I had my earphones on as I was listening to music trying to kill my boredom while waiting for the traffic to ease up. It was raining then. The guy looked at me and he does so very so often. I saw it from the corner of my eye. I was pretending not to notice as I stared blankly at the billboard on the side of the road. I blushed again.

I really can’t help it. Shyness was slowly enveloping me. I felt uncomfortable that I fidgeted while I was glued to my seat. I looked very tired that day. I just got off from a long day at the office. I was hungry. I didn’t fix my hair and I don’t have my makeup on. I was tired and I simply wanted to go home and rest. The guy looks tired also but he nonetheless looked good despite of the tired look on his face. He may have been married.

I really have a serious problem when it comes to situations like this. It was so uncomfortable. Had it been a business situation, I would have approached the guys and introduced myself to begin a conversation with them. But the setting was personal and it was the real pearl they were staring at.

This is the reason why I don’t go out on blind dates.

I'd rather date a friend who knows me personally rather than start a new platonic relationship with someone I just met. Tried it before and it failed. I’m scared to try the next time. I’m scared that it may fail again.

Freckles by Natasha Bedingfield

Just sharing once again another song from my current favorite singer, Natasha Bedingfield. Enjoy!


"Freckles"


I used to care so much about what others think about
Almost didn't have a thought of my own
The slightest remark would make me embark
On the journey of self doubt
But that was a while ago
This girl has got stronger
If I knew then what I know now
I would have told myself don't worry any longer it's OK

[Chorus:]
'cause a face without freckles is like a sky without stars
Why waste a second not loving who you are
Those little imperfections make you beautiful, lovable, valuable,
They show your personality inside your heart
Reflecting who you are

Who you are
Who you are
Who you are

I wondered if I could trade my body with somebody else in magazines
Would the whole world fall at my feet?
I felt unworthy and would blame my failures on the ugliness I could see
When the mirror looked at me
Sometimes I feel like the little girl who doesn't belong in her own world
But I'm getting better
And I'm reminding myself

[Chorus]

Reflecting who you are
Reflecting who you are
Hmmm
Whoooooo whoa hmmmm oooooo

[Chorus]

My Wedding (Part 1)

How do you want your wedding to be like? A friend asked me this question while we were pondering upon the questions life has thrown at us. I don’t know exactly how the question was formulated. I’m sure it didn’t take an Einstein-like mind to formulate such. Fortunately, I had a ready answer to that. You may exclaim in disbelief that I actually an idea how I wanted my wedding to be like. For somebody like me is a magnet to disastrous relationships, you will probably wonder if what I have is just fantasy or am I really hoping it for real.

Each one of us has a fantasy of the reality. We fantasize of something and hope that it would become real. As for the wedding, here are my fantasized realities:

The ceremony:

I only wanted the priest, the groom, God and me to be present and witness the union. I don’t want spectators. I don’t want people to hover around me during the saying of vows. I want a video or camera placed in certain angles that would capture the moment. I don’t want a photographer or cameraman to man these equipments. I want it to start rolling once the actual rites start.

I know this sound too much....

Probably, I shouldn't get married at all.

Rich and Poor

Sitting in a mall bench got me thinking about how poor and how rich I am. Poor in the sense that i cant afford to buy the nice dress on the display window of a chic shop. Its a red dress. Nice cut and a not so nice price. I try to imagine wearing the dress. Fits perfectly. The color complements my skin and the style is just perfect. However, i cant afford it. Damn!

A lady walks by, beautiful, slim, fair skinned and clutching a big purse. She checks out the dress. stared at it. Measuring up, sizing up the dress. She went inside. Talked to the lady at the counter. The lady at the counter took the dress off from the display window. The beautiful lady took the dress and went inside the fitting room. After a few minutes, she came out. She's holding the dress closely as if its the greatest treasure on earth. She went to the counter and paid for it. Damn! I just lost the dress i so much wanted. Lost it right in front of my very own eyes. Damn again!

Life is so unfair. Really, it is. The lady who bought the dress is not only beautiful but she also has resources to make herself even more beautiful.

An hour later, I'm still sitting in the same bench contemplating on how to ease my self-made misery, the beautiful lady who bought the beautiful dress walked by again and sat beside me. She's talking on her mobile phone. Her voice was quivering. I can see that she's near tears. “Please, just tonight. I really wanted to see you. I want to talk to you. I really missed you.” This was what she said on the phone. She wasn't able to hold it any longer and she broke down and cried.

I thought of my daughter. Oh how much i miss her and talk to her and listen to her voice. I called my mom in the province and talked to Alix. Alix was really excited. She was laughing and kept saying mommy, mommy, mommy. I cried.

I cried because i realized that i am so rich. So rich with love..so full it. My bank account may say otherwise but deep inside my heart, i felt that i am the richest woman in world because i have a daughter whom i love so much and also feels the same way for me.

Social networking and Photo editing

Social networking websites allows me to post updates about the whats-going-on or whats-something-new in my life. Whether it's pictures, videos or blogs, you can find the latest ones in my friendster, facebook or multiply accounts.

Lately, I've been addicted with photo editing. I'm learning to use Corel, Photoshop and I have really appreciated the surge of free online photo editors.

Just sharing a few pictures which really taken quite a few extras of my free time.















I know these may look really amateurish to some but hey, at least I've started something. What really mattered when I was doing this was that I totally enjoyed it. I had fun especially that it starred the love of my life, my daughter Alix.

Traffic Woes and Corrupt Officials

The traffic in the Banilad-Talamban area is just plain terrible. Just last night, I spent an entire 30mins just sitting on the immobile jeepney. That’s too much for a punishment if these people governing our city are punishing us. And why would they do that? Haven’t we suffered enough with our monthly tax cuts, which went directly to the deep pockets of the corrupt officials? The government is full of people content of fattening their own asses in their iced and plush offices whilst the people feeding their own hungry mouths are suffering to the bones waiting for the traffic to ease up.

30 minutes stuck inside a packed jeepney filled with people nodding off their heads and yawning because they're simply tired and sleepy. Seeing the situation is such a pity. Sweats dripping from the forehead going down to the nape then to the armpit is a horrible scene to look at especially if you're wearing full office attire. This is total shit. The proposed construction of the flyover that is supposed to address the increasing flow towards the Talamban area has been delayed. Way, way, way much delayed. With the taxpayers paying the fattened asses of these officials, the masses and the taxpayers suffer from the almost flattened behind due to the increased period of sitting inside a cramped and sauna-hot like jeepneys. Who should we blame then? The contractors who likewise have fattened bottoms or the people who believes that somehow our lives will ease out. Just like the traffic, will our lives move slowly towards widened roads or will it be stuck forever in the maze of the roads?

My butt hurts, my feet is sore, already I smell something from my armpit (is it me or the guy sitting beside me, I’d like to think that its the guy), and my stomach is already churning the acid. I am tired, I am sleepy and I am hungry. This is a really bad combination. One matchstick and I’m about to flare up like a fireball. Take the superlatives out and think of it in real life and you'll get the picture

Between Dreams and Reality

Last night I dreamt of Boying, he is Alix’ dad. The setting was in a hospital. He was hospitalized for some unknown reason. I went there to visit him (I actually don’t know how I knew that he’s sick, anyway, that was in the dream) and to discuss the welfare of our daughter.

The room was gloomy. He was on the bed with dextrose attached to his left hand. His family was with him.

I started to discuss Alix’ situation and what he thinks of it and to see if he’s really interested in rearing her along with me despite of our status.

He didn’t say no nor did he say yes. He immediately stood up (despite of his condition) and started to go out of the room. He went downstairs to meet up with his current girlfriend.

His actions appalled me. Totally blown me out of proportions. I must admit that deep inside I really want the matter between us settled. I don’t want to be his girlfriend again nor be his wife. I just want him to be a father to our daughter. It’s the simplest thing to ask. I don’t mind if he’s not going to share any financial support but he’s presence would really mean a lot. Regardless of how simple the request his, it’s the hardest thing for him to do.

I guess he loves his girlfriend so much that he sacrificed his daughter over somebody whom he’s not sure if she will stay with him till his dying days. I know for sure that Alix will stay with her family. That’s how I was raised and I’m going to teach my daughter the same attitude. Families should be one of your top priorities.

I don’t love him anymore and I don’t have any intentions of having another child with him either. All I really wanted is for Alix to know who he is and experience the love of a father. It’s not that Alix lacked the love. She’s actually full of it but it would be a lot nicer if she has real father to share it with.

There’s not much difference between this dream and the reality. The dream is just an affirmation of the reality likewise the reality is just an affirmation of the dream. I don’t want to choose between the two but I guess I don’t have any other choice but to accept both reality and the dream. The dream is simply a reflection of what’s real.

Boying and I can be a family even without the paper (marriage). All we have to do is act as responsible parents to our daughter.

Some say that nothing is impossible. I just hope that our situation will prove to be a possible impossible.

DNA, Doubts and Closure

I read the article posted on the Sunstar website that reported about PAO (Public Attorneys Office) decision to retain the ship captain of the ill-fated Princess of the Stars as one of the defendants in the civil suits they filed against the shipping company. They apparently have doubts if the purported body of the ship captain whom his family has already buried was actually his despite of the DNA results.
http://www.sunstar.com.ph/static/ceb/2008/09/19/news/pao.to.retain.skipper.s.name.among.defendants.html

What is DNA? According to Wikipedia, Deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA) is a nucleic acid that contains the genetic instructions used in the development and functioning of all known living organisms and some viruses. The main role of DNA molecules is the long-term storage of information. DNA is often compared to a set of blueprints or a recipe, since it contains the instructions needed to construct other components of cells, such as proteins and RNA molecules. The DNA segments that carry this genetic information are called genes, but other DNA sequences have structural purposes, or are involved in regulating the use of this genetic information. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DNA)

The DNA testing was done through the collaboration of the NBI (National Bureau of Investigation) and Interpol (International Police). Despite of what the result says, groups of individuals still have doubts about its veracity. I don’t know if the doubt stemmed from the fact that one of the governing bodies in charge of testing is perceived to be corrupt. I’m just wondering though if the DNA result was actually shown to the concerned families or was it also hidden from them. If it was hidden, why so?

On the other note, I don’t think it (tragedy/accident) was intentionally done. A person (the ship captain) or a group of people (like the shipping company) may have lack of judgment or have made wrong decisions on whether to let the ship sail despite the fact that it’s headed to the region where the storm has ravaged but still I doubt if it was their intention to harm the hundreds of passengers aboard the ship. It was tragedy. You may blame it on Frank, the storm or you may blame God for the bad weather but regardless of who you point fingers at, you cannot bring back the dead.

The tragedy has left many families destroyed. My parents have a friend who lost his wife and 3 little children on that tragic event. They (my parents) said that the husband is really devastated. His youngest son who died when the ship sank was barely 2 years old, about the same age as my daughter. I feel his pain. I may not know what it’s like to loose a loved one like that but I know it’s painful.

Nobody will have the closure we all longed for if we are not going to accept that the tragedy happened and it was very unfortunate that our loved one was among those who perished.

But this is the reality, all of us, whether we like it or not will go through a certain degree of pains in our lives. It does not matter what degree of pain that is because there’s measure for pain and suffering as there is no measure for love.

(Note: I would like to extend my sincerest condolence to the families who lost loved one during the tragic sinking of the Princess of the Stars.)

Reply to Winsconsin Guy from Cebu Girl

This is the lyrics of the song "Single" by Natasha Bedingfield

Ah yeah that's right
All you single people out there
This is for you

I'm not waitin' around for a man to save me
(Cos I'm happy where I am)
Don't depend on a guy to validate me
(No no)
I don't need to be anyone's baby
(Is that so hard to understand?)
No I don't need another half to make me whole

Make your move if you want doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up you either got it or you don't

[Chorus:]
This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm tradin' places
Right now a star's in the ascendant

I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be
I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be

Ah yeah Uh Huh that's right

Don't need to be on somebody's arm to look good
(I like who I am)
I'm not saying I don't wanna fall in love 'cos I would
I'm not gonna get hooked up just 'cos you say I should
(Can't romance on demand)
I'm gonna wait so I'm sorry if you misunderstood

[Chorus]

Everything in it's right time everything in it's right place
I know I'll settle down one day
But 'til then I like it this way it's my way
Eh I like it this way

Make your move if you want doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up you either got it or you don't
'Til then I'm single

This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm tradin' places
Right now a star's in the ascendant

Goodbye Wisconsin Guy

Here is a letter Cebu Girl received from Wisconsin Guy

Hi Cebu Girl... It has been ten days since our last communication. I have had time to think and have made alternate arrangements for where to stay on my trip. I am waiting for approval of my visa application by the Philippine consulate in Chicago. I have found someone to be with in the Cebu area. Unfortunately, she is not you...but she has different strengths. It was natural for me to pursue you due to your outstanding intellect which I'm sure will lead to a very stimulating relationship with whoever you choose to marry. I also would have liked to help raise Cebu Baby who no doubt shares your intelligence. I am not intimidated by you and if I had the time for a lengthy courtship, I would enjoy chasing after you and seeing if I could win your love. I am 57 years old. I am looking to be with someone who is ready for a serious relationship.I think you will be ready in about another year. You are sitting on some anger (which is understandable) from your previous relationship. I am on the fast track right now. You are content with being a single parent. Compatibility is also a sticky issue for you and me. I have no need to have law school in my life. I have represented myself in court numerous times including a current case which I presented in written brief form in appeals court. You probably need to find a partner who is more supportive of your plan for law school.You are very much the kind of woman who I have already married in the United States. We would have huge power struggles. I have already been there and done that. I am looking for a different experience with a Filipina...simple, loving, down to Earth. You will make a great professional wife for another high powered professional. Some of your strengths would be wasted on me. You would be talking to me about your job and I would be looking into your eyes and wanting to rip your clothes off and make love to you. I thought about just cutting off everything between us. Life is so fickle though that it seems foolish to permanently and completely write off everything between us. If my alternate plans do not work out for some reason while I am in the Philippines, I still might try to contact you and meet. If you had been interested in me, I would have served myself up to you on a platter. I respect your choice to hold out for someone else. I love you and Cebu Baby and I will miss you. Wisconsin Guy

Bourne Ultimatum

Bourne Ultimatum

I finally saw Bourne Ultimatum last night. After so many months of waiting (more than a year actually), I finally saw the movie.

I read the Bourne series by Robert Ludlum. I was hooked to the book and I was really looking forward for the movies. I saw the first 2 movies on the day they were released however I was so busy when the 3rd one was released and didn’t have the time to watch it.

Finally, last night I did. I was literally sitting on edge of my seat especially during fight scenes. I’ve always admired how the fight sequence was done. Add the Matt Damon factor and it will really keep you glued to the movie.

I saw the first 2 movies (Identity and Supremacy) before I actually read the book. The movies (all 3 of them) were really great but I must say one thing though, I was expecting it to be a lot more than the books. I love the books because it gave me the similar feeling of a caffeine-induced thrill. I was reading it in sequence including the Bourne Supremacy and I finished the first four books in a week. Take note of that, within a week.

The book is something that you can’t afford to put down for a second. You can do anything you wish to do whilst your eyes are glued to the pages. I know it’s remotely impossible to do that but yeah, if you can do it then it’s possible. I read the book when I was pregnant. I was ordered by my OB to rest for a week due to a minor complication with my pregnancy. So yeah, it’s true; I was glued to the book for an entire week.

Nonetheless, all 3 movies had somehow passed my expectation of a great movie.

Cheers to Jason Bourne!

Customer Service

Had a bad call earlier. Customer was shouting at me because I was asking for his reference number. He’s Chinese and there’s obviously a language barrier between us. He speaks English but with a heavy Chinese accent. I don’t mean to criticize because there are a lot of good-natured Chinese people but this guy is just plain ass. I advised the customer calm down because we wont be able to resolve the issue in anger.

I understand the basics of working in the customer service industry. You always have to be patient and understanding. But we are human beings as well. We don’t deserve to be treated like shit. We work our ass off to support ourselves and our families just like most people do. Some of us choose to be in this position and I am one of them. I love what I do and I think I am good at it but what I don’t understand sometimes are the attitudes of some of our customer. They’ll go into a fit if they don’t get what they want or if something goes wrong.

Do these people ever have a sense of reality? Life does not always give you what you ask for. Shit happens and it’s always inevitable. I myself am a customer. I’m a user of different products and I avail of certain services. Working in the customer service industry opened my mind about my rights as a customer/consumer. It has also given me a renewed respect for those people working in the same industry. It’s not easy to be verbally abused and be trampled upon. I have so much regard for myself and I can’t simply allow people who wallow in utter despair of own lives to disrespect me.

Regardless of what the issue is, it all boils down to one thing again that respect begets respect. Such simple thing as respect is the hardest for some to do. What a shame.

waste on electricity

Our electricity bill for the month is Php 2,600. I freaked out when I learned the amount. The previous month was only Php 1,700. How come? Who was wasting electricity? I wasn’t home from the 27th of August till the 1st of September so I know it wasn’t me. The period the covers the monthly electricity bill is every 11th of the month.

I didn’t bring any appliance at all. We have a small ceiling fan that I share with my roommate. My cousin left her rice cooker but I’m no longer using it. I borrow my housemate’s electric iron but I only use it to iron 1 or 2 clothes and I probably use it once a week for less than 2 minutes on each usage. I don’t charge my cellular phone at home. I normally do it in the office and just use the USB to charge. I use the washing machine and wash my clothes once in two weeks only. Basically, I use electricity as minimally as possible. And yeah, I’m usually the first one to hit the bed and the first one to rise and it has always been my owned responsibility to turn off the lights before I go out of the house.

I understand that since I live in a house that I share with other people, we also share whatever expenses incurred within our household. But the sharing doesn’t mean sharing the burden of somebody else’s waste. It is a given fact that there’s already an increase in the electricity rates but I guess at this stage, we should be more vigilant in keeping the costs down.

In the times of rising prices of commodities, wasting should not be tolerated at all. It doesn’t matter if each person will only add 30-50 pesos. 30-50 is a lot already. For me, it is. 30-50 pesos can buy you one decent meal.

So this is not a laughing matter. We need to do something about it. An increase of almost 1,000 pesos is no joke. We need to investigate how this happened and we need to correct it. We need to, or else it will only add burden to those who are already suffering.

The new girl

My friend one day approached me and said:

She said: Pearl, the new girlfriend of your ex is younger than you are
I said: That's okay. Most of my exes are younger than I am too. I wouldn't be bothered.

Privacy and the Media

Last week, I was aboard a cab on my way home and the cab’s radio was on. It was tuned to a local news station. The radio commentator was interviewing the wife of the ship captain of the ill-fated Princess of the Stars that capsized in Philippine seas at the height of typhoon Frank.

The DNA result just came in. One of dead bodies matched their DNA. It was her husband, the head of their family, and the captain of the ship. The wife was asking the people to give them privacy in the moment of their mourning. The relentless media has intruded their privacy. The daughter was speaking on the radio and asking the people for a little understanding. Yes, it may be her father who was blamed for the tragedy but she (including hundreds or maybe thousands of people) believes that her father is no mass murderer. It was just tragedy. Although no tragedy is plain and simple but I doubt the ship captain intentionally drove the ship into the brink of death. The daughter appealed to the people to understand them. They too have lost a loved one.

I understand the bereaved families, especially those who lost members of their family during the tragedy. I understand if they are going to blame the captain, the weather, the shipping company or even God. Sometimes we needed to point fingers during the saddest moments of our lives to alleviate the pain we are suffering. Pains will nonetheless be lessened if outsiders constantly intrude them, outsiders such as the media.

For the media, I think they need to examine their conscience before barging into a situation as private as mourning a loved one. They don’t have the right to do that. Nobody has the right to do that. One way or another, I guess most people needed to be respected. Media or non-media, we all wanted to have some quiet when we do something private and I guess the media people also wants that at some point of their lives.

One thing worth noting though, respect begets respect.

The Proposal

The guy is from Wisconsin.

He’s 57, thrice divorced with 5 adopted children. Two of his ex-wives gained custody of their adopted children and he was sued for child support. He enlisted on an interracial dating website. He’s looking for a wife aged 32 years old and younger.

The girl is from Cebu.

She’s 28. Never been married. Never been engaged. Was proposed four times and each time she said no. She’s a single mother with a biological 2-year-old daughter. She enlisted on an interracial dating website upon the prodding of her friends and family members who apparently found their mate online. She’s looking for a friend and husband aged 35 to 45 years old.

Wisconsin guy.

He clicked on her site and showed interest.

Cebu girl.

She responded by asking him if he’s interested with her. She doesn’t have the slightest interest in the guy but out of curiosity she responded.

The communication between them then started. The guy showed interest in the girl. The girl kept everything casual and civil.

The guy is very interested with her. The girl is simply cold. She doesn’t want to get married. She just wanted a better life for her daughter. The guy is quite well off. He offered her most men offers to the women of their interest, marriage.

The guy said that the girl is intelligent. The girl thinks the same way towards the guy. The guy is starting to fall for the girl. The girl feels otherwise.

The guy wants to rush the girl in making a decision, a decision that would alter the girls’ life and her daughter. The guy wants to know if the girl is interested in marrying him. The girl answered no. That was the end of it.

In the age of online dating, the age of love-less relationships, one could always hop into the wagon of marriage in hope of a better future. The girl is a common example of the many women who wishes a betterment of her life, also the girl wishes to find that comfort with a guy she truly loves. She is a romantic and she believes that love should be the basis of marriage. The guy just wanted to have a child of his own. And from the girls’ point of understanding, he wants it from a girl who comes from another country with no other choice but to live with him and accept him for whom he is.

The girl felt a wave of relief when the guy stopped communicating with her. She doesn’t mean to be rude but she somehow blatantly told the guy that she doesn’t want marriage, not just yet though.

She’ll eventually find that guy whom her heart longs for. Whether he belongs to the same race or not, what would matter then would be that they’ll love each other and hold each other with high respect.

Who

Would you rather talk to someone who is an eye candy but has a brain the size of a pea or someone who is a sore to the eyesight but with knowledge as vast as the sea?

If you choose the eye candy, would you shut your brain when you talk to that person but keep your eyes wide open?

If you talk to the latter, would you close your eyes and open your mind?

If there were no in-betweens, would you consider yourself and eye candy or the sore to the eyes?

Would you rather be the single most attractive person on the world or the world’s greatest brain?

If you were beautiful, would you hate the ugly? If you were the ugly, would you hate the beautiful? Why? Why not?

If you are to design the characters of these two individuals, the sore to the eyes and the eye candy, who of the two is good? Who is bad?

Who would you rather be?

3 Things

3 things

There are 3 things I can't give up in my present life. 1. My faith 2. My daughter 3. My freedom These are the 3 things that have given me my life's inspiration. These are the things that I'd fight with my life. These are the reasons why I remain single. I haven't found the person who will embrace my ideals and would rally behind me for support.


I am in love though, in love and married. I am in love with the idea of being single. Married to the thought of staying single. I've made a vow before that I’ll decide whether I’ll get married or stay single when I'm 30. I am turning 30 next year. I also made a vow that if I get married, I’ll marry a friend. A friend who knows me personally. Somebody who adores me despite of my quirkiness and insanity. Someone who have seen it all. One of things I hate with romantic relationships is the "getting to know you" stage. I totally abhor it. I hate it.


I hate it when you don’t respect my religion. I hate it when you ask me if being catholic has affected my level of judgment and decision-making. I hate it when force yourself to be in the picture with my relationship with my daughter. I hate it when you interfere with my freedom.


These 3 things keep me sane. These 3 things are my lifelines.

Two Children

August Rush and Bubbly

His name is August Rush aka Evan Thomas. He was born out of wedlock, to a father who wasn't aware he existed and to a mother who didn't even know that he's alive.

Bubbly aka Mickey Aia was born to a mother who refused to give her up and to a father who refused to acknowledge and love her as his own.

August Rush never had any family who looked after him when he was growing up. In his heart, he wanted to search for his parents. He doesn’t know where to start

Bubbly is still 2 years old. Her mother loved her since she was conceived. Her father does not even care. Bubbly has two loving men behind her, her grandfather whom she fondly calls Papa and her uncle whom she endearingly calls Daddy. Her mother knows who her father is and she even knows where he lives. Her mother tried to convince her father to accept Bubbly as their daughter but she failed.

August Rush longed for parental love since he was little. He had none. He inherited his parents’ musical talents. In the end, he got what his heart has longed for. They finally met, and lived happily since.

Bubbly is yet to know her life story. It is yet to be told. How she will accept it is the biggest question. Her mother has always been a good and responsible parent. Her father is a mystery. The possibility of Bubbly’s father loving her is vague. But her mother’s love for her is endless and so she’s told.

August Rush and Bubbly are in no way related to one another. August Rush is a fictional character. Bubbly is real girl with real feelings and real parents. Two things similar between them are that both were born out of wedlock and both have loving mothers. Their mothers went all the way for the sake of their own children. In the end, I guess Bubbly will have her own happy ending. Regardless of what her father says, what matters is that she has a mother who loves her and is with her all the way.

Beautiful

Having grown up with the constant castigation of being the ugliest duckling from immediate family members gives me the self-esteem of a born impotent.I felt that my self worth was comparable to the shallowest of rivers.

That the reason i survived because i was feisty. I fought to feign my enemies. Deep inside, I am my own enemy.

Imagine how it feels when your own mother tells you that the reason you were not accepted as a marketing assistant for an airline company is because you are not physically attractive enough. Having a brother who constantly calls you flat-nosed (which i think most Filipinos are). Having a cousin who tells you that you have the longest chin the world (which turns out to be the other way around, he really has a chin of "i don't know what").

In college, I had a boyfriend who constantly tells me that I am pretty. I don't understand why. Is it because he wants to get inside my pants or is he just blind? Another boyfriend tells me that i am indeed pretty. Initially, i partially believed him but when we broke up, the self-esteem crumbled again.

At 26, I had a baby girl. A daughter who is considered by most people as photogenic, beautiful and has d potential to become a star (a good one i hope). Many would exclaim how on earth I gave birth to such beautiful baby? Was it a mistake at the hospital or was it a stroke of luck that I've found a guy with good genes?I don't believe either reasons.

I believe though that my daughter is beautiful because she is born from me. I am a rough diamond (that's how I see myself now). I know that I am beautiful, pretty, attractive but I just need extra polishing so that my true beauty will shine.

Anyway, who needs a beautiful face when you already have a beautiful mind? But it would be much advantageous if you have both. I think I have both. Its just that the other side of me needs polish.

Would you agree?

Father's Day

the father's day.

The day was December 28, 2006. The day my daughters dad declared that he will never be the father of our little angel. My daughter was 4 months old then.

Each year on December 28, me and my daughter will celebrate fathers day. Celebrating a happy event on the most unconventional date gives me a feeling of strength and determination. determination to move on and the strength to start new.

To all fathers with beautiful adjectives, i salute you and may you continue your tireless effort to support, love and care for your children.

To all fathers with not so beautiful adjectives, I'll pray for you. may you realize your loss for abandoning your children. may it not be late when reality comes knocking at your door.

My toast to all mothers who function as father and mother at home. i know it's not an easy job. May you continue to strive to provide a better future for your children.


Cheers!

life of a blessed single mother

why am i blessed? many would ask why. financially, i'm broke. i'm living on a hand to mouth basis. so why am i blessed?

blessings come in many forms. some in financial aspect, others in emotional, spiritual, environmental or physical. I'd say i am blessed because i am a mother. i may not be the best but i'm certainly good.

could still remember what I said to my OB-GYNE when she said that she needs to do an immediate C-section on me because my baby's health is at stake, her heartbeat is going down. I simply told her, do the best you can..Save my baby. I didnt care at that stage what the consequences would be, whether that would render me physically lifeless or financially incapacitated.

Regardless of what my bank statement says, I'm still happy and I still consider myself blessed. How's that for a feeling? =))

On Interracial Online Dating

About 2 months ago, I enlisted in an interracial online dating site. My aunt who married an American guy encouraged me to enlist for reasons I'd rather not divulge. Basically, my reason for enlisting is my desire to meet men who doesn't judge me basing on my political and religious views but rather who would accept me and love me for who I am despite of the fact that i love tattoos and I'm a single mother.

I met men, men who pretended to be real, men who tried to be men, and men who are real gentlemen. A few of them got scared with the idea of a tattooed single mother. A handful of them stayed to be just friends and just one guy seem to be of real interest.

What hit me with this experience is that, people (men in general) have this idea that a Filipino woman should be simple, a homebody, knows how to cook and clean the house and shouldn't have much ambition in life. It is such a pity because a lot of Filipino women wants to become lawyers, engineers, scientists and some even wants to be the 3rd woman President of the Philippines. How could these men be so narrow-minded? If they're looking for a wife who can cook and clean the house, they'd rather look for a housemaid. Although I must say that a lot of Filipino women would jump into the idea of becoming housemaids but these women have grander ambitions and they're just making the housemaid job a stepping stone in achieving their dreams.

A lot of men I met online also complained that Filipino women always ask for money, money and more money. Now I'm thinking, who's stupid? These women who enlisted on these dating sites or the guys who fell to the trap to these swindling women. I wonder how a guy who claims to have a higher level of intellect fall to a woman in some third world country who asks for money because her mother is apparently sick and dying.

Let's try to look at the bigger picture. People get fooled because they allow themselves to be fooled. As for the women, well, we all have to survive. I just wish we do it in a way that we don't end up hurting (financially) other people. For the men, not all women on this site have the same ulterior motive. Some actually just wanted to find true love.

As innocent as it may sound, I for one just wanted to find my true love on the internet. If it's possible for some, it may be possible for me.

Good luck to us all in our search for the ever elusive true love!