Thursday, October 23, 2008

Blog Writing Contest

Our company has launched a series of contests for employees to join. One of them is the Blog Writing Contest. I want to join. I don't want to join. I want to join. I don't want to join. These decisions are pounding in the head. I've been pensive about this and yet I have not come up with a reasonable decision.

I'm afraid. I'm ashamed. I don't want to loose. I want to prove something. I don't want to loose. I want to prove something. I know it's crazy but I really wanted to join but I don't want to loose. I don't want to fail. But I am a human being. And a human being that I am is bound to fail. Whether I like it or not, I'm bound to fail.

No! I've failed a lot already. I don't want to endure another round of failure.

I'm just confused. Help me.

Friday, October 10, 2008

The guys

On wednesday, I saw this guy on the street while I was waiting for a jeepney ride. I was on my way to work. He's tall. He was wearing a yellow collared shirt. He's good looking. He looked at me and I turned away. Shy has prompted me to act like that. I was wearing a skirt that day. I had my oversized shades to cover my eyes and to shield away the shyness.

At 28 and having gone through multiple relationships, I still blush when I see a cute guy. Especially when the guy throws an interesting look at me. I am not good in personal introductions not unless in a business setting but there's nothing really personal in a business setting.

I must admit that I am still struggling with my own demons. The demon of low self esteem. Whenever I look myself in the mirror, I always see this girl with long curly hair, beautiful lips and soulful eyes. I see myself as beautiful and I am always thankful of the way I look. However, it always changes when I mingle around with people. Especially beautiful people and more especially if someone stares at me.

I don’t like being stared at. It gives me a feeling of being unworthy especially if the other person is quite good looking.

I know I need to fight this demon. God, please give me the strength to overcome this.

On thursday, on my way home, I saw another guy. I guess he works in a bank because his uniform looks like he does. He's between 30-35. Tall, lean and handsome. No wedding ring. He was sitting right across from where I was sitting. I had my earphones on as I was listening to music trying to kill my boredom while waiting for the traffic to ease up. It was raining then. The guy looked at me and he does so very so often. I saw it from the corner of my eye. I was pretending not to notice as I stared blankly at the billboard on the side of the road. I blushed again.

I really can’t help it. Shyness was slowly enveloping me. I felt uncomfortable that I fidgeted while I was glued to my seat. I looked very tired that day. I just got off from a long day at the office. I was hungry. I didn’t fix my hair and I don’t have my makeup on. I was tired and I simply wanted to go home and rest. The guy looks tired also but he nonetheless looked good despite of the tired look on his face. He may have been married.

I really have a serious problem when it comes to situations like this. It was so uncomfortable. Had it been a business situation, I would have approached the guys and introduced myself to begin a conversation with them. But the setting was personal and it was the real pearl they were staring at.

This is the reason why I don’t go out on blind dates.

I'd rather date a friend who knows me personally rather than start a new platonic relationship with someone I just met. Tried it before and it failed. I’m scared to try the next time. I’m scared that it may fail again.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Freckles by Natasha Bedingfield

Just sharing once again another song from my current favorite singer, Natasha Bedingfield. Enjoy!


I used to care so much about what others think about
Almost didn't have a thought of my own
The slightest remark would make me embark
On the journey of self doubt
But that was a while ago
This girl has got stronger
If I knew then what I know now
I would have told myself don't worry any longer it's OK

'cause a face without freckles is like a sky without stars
Why waste a second not loving who you are
Those little imperfections make you beautiful, lovable, valuable,
They show your personality inside your heart
Reflecting who you are

Who you are
Who you are
Who you are

I wondered if I could trade my body with somebody else in magazines
Would the whole world fall at my feet?
I felt unworthy and would blame my failures on the ugliness I could see
When the mirror looked at me
Sometimes I feel like the little girl who doesn't belong in her own world
But I'm getting better
And I'm reminding myself


Reflecting who you are
Reflecting who you are
Whoooooo whoa hmmmm oooooo


Friday, October 3, 2008

My Wedding (Part 1)

How do you want your wedding to be like? A friend asked me this question while we were pondering upon the questions life has thrown at us. I don’t know exactly how the question was formulated. I’m sure it didn’t take an Einstein-like mind to formulate such. Fortunately, I had a ready answer to that. You may exclaim in disbelief that I actually an idea how I wanted my wedding to be like. For somebody like me is a magnet to disastrous relationships, you will probably wonder if what I have is just fantasy or am I really hoping it for real.

Each one of us has a fantasy of the reality. We fantasize of something and hope that it would become real. As for the wedding, here are my fantasized realities:

The ceremony:

I only wanted the priest, the groom, God and me to be present and witness the union. I don’t want spectators. I don’t want people to hover around me during the saying of vows. I want a video or camera placed in certain angles that would capture the moment. I don’t want a photographer or cameraman to man these equipments. I want it to start rolling once the actual rites start.

I know this sound too much....

Probably, I shouldn't get married at all.

Rich and Poor

Sitting in a mall bench got me thinking about how poor and how rich I am. Poor in the sense that i cant afford to buy the nice dress on the display window of a chic shop. Its a red dress. Nice cut and a not so nice price. I try to imagine wearing the dress. Fits perfectly. The color complements my skin and the style is just perfect. However, i cant afford it. Damn!

A lady walks by, beautiful, slim, fair skinned and clutching a big purse. She checks out the dress. stared at it. Measuring up, sizing up the dress. She went inside. Talked to the lady at the counter. The lady at the counter took the dress off from the display window. The beautiful lady took the dress and went inside the fitting room. After a few minutes, she came out. She's holding the dress closely as if its the greatest treasure on earth. She went to the counter and paid for it. Damn! I just lost the dress i so much wanted. Lost it right in front of my very own eyes. Damn again!

Life is so unfair. Really, it is. The lady who bought the dress is not only beautiful but she also has resources to make herself even more beautiful.

An hour later, I'm still sitting in the same bench contemplating on how to ease my self-made misery, the beautiful lady who bought the beautiful dress walked by again and sat beside me. She's talking on her mobile phone. Her voice was quivering. I can see that she's near tears. “Please, just tonight. I really wanted to see you. I want to talk to you. I really missed you.” This was what she said on the phone. She wasn't able to hold it any longer and she broke down and cried.

I thought of my daughter. Oh how much i miss her and talk to her and listen to her voice. I called my mom in the province and talked to Alix. Alix was really excited. She was laughing and kept saying mommy, mommy, mommy. I cried.

I cried because i realized that i am so rich. So rich with full it. My bank account may say otherwise but deep inside my heart, i felt that i am the richest woman in world because i have a daughter whom i love so much and also feels the same way for me.