Waiting for the Best Man

Most of us women would swoon at the idea of having a prince dressed as a knight in shining armor (and shiny car, I hope) that will sweep us off our high-heeled feet and bring us to happily ever after. The idea isn’t really far-fetched but in the days of ersatz and "all-instant", I would say it's hard to find a guy as chivalrous and as valiant as our fairy-tale prince.

I’ve already awakened to the reality that not all women will be gifted with princes on Christmas. But I believe that great gifts come in small packages. And no, I'm not thinking about that small (short but big hearted) guy. I'm talking about my little bundle of joy I received about 3 years ago. She was the greatest gift that came in a small bundle.

I stopped dreaming of my knight in shining Evo eons ago. The door isn't really closed yet but it's only half open. There’s no certain time frame as to when it will fully close. When it does, I will never look back.

I will wait, wait and wait. But if he doesn’t come, I’ll blame it to the traffic or bad weather perhaps. I will put on my high heels and that red lipstick. I will thank God for giving me the perseverance to wait. Patience is indeed a virtue.

When my time on earth expires with only my daughter beside me, I will thank God for all that He has given me. With a smile on my face I’d say, thank you Lord for not giving me a husband. He’ll probably be just a headache.

ABNORMAL Love?

I had a heated debate with a friend recently who told me that the romantic love between two people of the same sex is ABNORMAL. I was appalled when I heard that blatant degradation of someone's sexual preference. She also said that men or women who's relationship with somebody older than them is just superficial and that they are simply using the person for personal gain. I respect her opinion however, I am deeply chagrined to hear those words coming from someone " who claims to be a Christian and is highly educated."

Love isn’t about a boy finding a girl and falling in love with her and vice versa. But rather, love is about finding someone you truly love and care about. It does not matter whether you find someone your own sex or some twice as old you are. What's important is what you feel for your beloved.

Honestly, I feel sick whenever I hear people say that men shouldn’t have relationships with men or women shouldn’t have relationships with women. Regardless of your sexual orientation, sexual preference or age, all of us should be free and I mean without boundaries to find that one person who will truly behold our hearts and make us happy.

I am straight. My sexual preference is defined to that of heterosexual relationships. However, I am not opposed to people falling in love with their same sex. It preposterous to say that since you are a man you should only fall in love with a woman.

Love is free. It should be given freely without asking for anything in return. And most of all, love shouldn't be confined within what they call as normal boy-girl relationship.

There isn’t such a thing as an abnormal love but I think it’s abnormal to think that way.

Relationships: Mutual Understanding/ Pseudo Relationship

When is a relationship becomes a real relationship? Is there such a thing as pseudo relationship? What are the boundaries of pseudo relationships?

Two people are in a relationship but not quite the typical relationship. They hug, they kiss and they make love. They care for each other (or so they think) and think often about the each other. They dine together, pray together and go to bed together but they're not quite together.

It’s confusing isn’t it? When a relationship is a pseudo-relationship, the couple will either make it or break it.

When does a pseudo-relationship begin? It begins when two people gets too cozy, too close and two comfortable with each other but not quite open about their feelings for each other. Some say it’s when you experience mutual understanding.

Mutual understanding happens when two individuals allow actions to speak the words but lacks the vocal pronouncement to validate the real feelings. It happens when two individuals assume the mutual understanding feeling as something real and yet refuses to vocalize the confirmation of the relationship.

Pseudo relationships happen because the other party is usually not ready to commit in the real one, not ready because they are already in another real relationship thus making yours as pseudo.

Mutual understanding leads to pseudo relationships. Pseudo relationship spells trouble. Trouble ends in nothing.

These relationships happen because we allow it to happen. We allow ourselves to be victimized by our emotions.

As hard as it may seem, women tend to be in the losing end in every pseudo relationship. Pseudo relationships are not real but the hurt is.

One proud mother

When you look at the picture of my daughter and me together, your initial reaction would be...is this your daughter? She's very pretty. She got her looks from her father, doesn't she? And all I could say is...hell yeah! But you know what, I also get a lot of reactions from people who see us smiling and laughing together. They'd say, you do look like mother and daughter when you smile and laugh together. Well, that statement alone gives me all the reason in the world to keep smiling. By the way, if you ask my daughter where she got her good looks from, she'll say...from mummy pearly. Yeah, beat that! That makes me one proud mother.

Best days

About a year ago, I got suspended from work because f excessive absence. Deep inside I know that I wasn't at fault but policy is policy therefore, it has to be accepted and implemented. A suspension is a degrading thing. It's like failing on a subject that you like the most but the teacher is just impossible.

I was not the most optimistic person in the world. In fact, I grew up with so much pessimism that I have lost my self-confidence. What the suspension has taught me is that there's always a good thing that will come out from a negative situation.

The good thing that came out of it was that I was able to spend quality time with my daughter. Those days that I spent away from work were just one of the best days of my life. The best in the sense that I was able to cuddle, kiss and hold my daughter all those times. I was a mom, a friend and a playmate all throughout those days. I marveled at the amazing growth of children. I saw my daughter literally grow and somehow matured right in front of me. I'd give anything just to be able to do that again. But please...no more suspension.

Valentines Day

What makes me excited about this coming valentines day? Well, its because I’m going to celebrate Valentines Day with my daughter, Alix. We're going to have our lunch date at Jollibee and our dinner date at the "barbecuehan sa pantalan."

Main course for our lunch date consists of hotdog and spaghetti finished with twirl for our desert, although I'll probably think twice about the twirl.
Dinner date's main course consists of pork, gizzard, isaw, all barbecued of course matched with puso and water eaten under the bright moon and star lights with matching chill of the sea breeze (ill just keep my fingers crossed and hope that it wont rain on that day).

I can already see that it’s going to be the best Valentines Day ever. Alix will be the best valentine date. I never had so much anticipation for Valentines Day. I’m not the hopeless romantic type therefore I’m not always the type who eagerly plans for the day of hearts. But Valentines Day this year is an exception. I’m sure it’s going to be a blast.

PEARLIZA

What does PEARLIZA means?

This is what a guy wrote about my name:


Praying is the only thing I can do for now
To make you see what I want you to see somehow
To let you feel what I want you to feel is what I desire
Hoping someday you'll see me as me and feel my heart's on fire.

Every time I look into your eyes I feel something free
Like diamonds in the skies is what I see
I couldn't see what's deep inside your heart
And I don't know whether to laugh or to cry, but I'm sure it tore me apart.

And no matter how hard I try I really couldn't see
Why now I feel so trapped when my heart used to be free
I tried to figure out what exactly have you done
That I gave up my heart up for you, you have two and I have none.

Romantic songs floated in the air in the advent of twilight
Teasing the melancholic thoughts that I so hardly tried to fight
Gone were the fake smiles that I wear in the day
As the evening slipped by and turned the blue skies to gray.

Light is what I see when you are standing beside me
Every time you speak your voice is so care free
I want to cuddle you and I want to hug you
A moment without you in my life will surely make me blue.

In love, is too short to describe the things that I felt for you
Coz you are part or maybe the real reason of my life
You gave me comfort and inspiration by just looking at me
The moment you touched me, you gave me life and love forever be.

Zenith of my soul, is what you are to me
You are like an angel sent for me from above
Your beauty and spirit gave me zealous that I want to have
You showered me with your smiles and with your love.

And must I give up my hopes to own you heart for once
Or should I go on and ask you for one sole chance?
I'm afraid that I can't fight this feeling any longer
So can you please be mine so I can hold you forever?

credits: JSV - October 9, 1999 1:30am

Love him, Yes I do

Do you love him? Yes I do. With all my heart. I loved him since the first time I saw him. I love him dearly and sincerely. He is my friend and I can't muster the courage to tell him what I felt. My heart always aches every time we part ways. Every time we bid goodbyes, my heart keeps on saying no, telling me to stay and be with him. But I don't have the courage to stay, to let all my feelings out. What I feel for him is true and I felt this for him for some time now. I am in love with him and I long for him to love me back.

The guy

There's this guy I've met 5 years ago. He's good looking, articulate, funny, responsible and he's my friend.

I've fallen for him since the first day I laid eyes on him.

For the past 5 years, I haven't mastered the courage to tell him what I felt for him. I have since given birth to my daughter and I had other relationships but deep within the crevices of my heart, I'm longing for him.

It's one of the toughest thing to do. To tell the one guy that I love him and risk losing a great friend.

My Wedding (Part 1)

How do you want your wedding to be like? A friend asked me this question while we were pondering upon the questions life has thrown at us. I don’t know exactly how the question was formulated. I’m sure it didn’t take an Einstein-like mind to formulate such. Fortunately, I had a ready answer to that. You may exclaim in disbelief that I actually an idea how I wanted my wedding to be like. For somebody like me is a magnet to disastrous relationships, you will probably wonder if what I have is just fantasy or am I really hoping it for real.

Each one of us has a fantasy of the reality. We fantasize of something and hope that it would become real. As for the wedding, here are my fantasized realities:

The ceremony:

I only wanted the priest, the groom, God and me to be present and witness the union. I don’t want spectators. I don’t want people to hover around me during the saying of vows. I want a video or camera placed in certain angles that would capture the moment. I don’t want a photographer or cameraman to man these equipments. I want it to start rolling once the actual rites start.

I know this sound too much....

Probably, I shouldn't get married at all.

Rich and Poor

Sitting in a mall bench got me thinking about how poor and how rich I am. Poor in the sense that i cant afford to buy the nice dress on the display window of a chic shop. Its a red dress. Nice cut and a not so nice price. I try to imagine wearing the dress. Fits perfectly. The color complements my skin and the style is just perfect. However, i cant afford it. Damn!

A lady walks by, beautiful, slim, fair skinned and clutching a big purse. She checks out the dress. stared at it. Measuring up, sizing up the dress. She went inside. Talked to the lady at the counter. The lady at the counter took the dress off from the display window. The beautiful lady took the dress and went inside the fitting room. After a few minutes, she came out. She's holding the dress closely as if its the greatest treasure on earth. She went to the counter and paid for it. Damn! I just lost the dress i so much wanted. Lost it right in front of my very own eyes. Damn again!

Life is so unfair. Really, it is. The lady who bought the dress is not only beautiful but she also has resources to make herself even more beautiful.

An hour later, I'm still sitting in the same bench contemplating on how to ease my self-made misery, the beautiful lady who bought the beautiful dress walked by again and sat beside me. She's talking on her mobile phone. Her voice was quivering. I can see that she's near tears. “Please, just tonight. I really wanted to see you. I want to talk to you. I really missed you.” This was what she said on the phone. She wasn't able to hold it any longer and she broke down and cried.

I thought of my daughter. Oh how much i miss her and talk to her and listen to her voice. I called my mom in the province and talked to Alix. Alix was really excited. She was laughing and kept saying mommy, mommy, mommy. I cried.

I cried because i realized that i am so rich. So rich with love..so full it. My bank account may say otherwise but deep inside my heart, i felt that i am the richest woman in world because i have a daughter whom i love so much and also feels the same way for me.