The guys

On wednesday, I saw this guy on the street while I was waiting for a jeepney ride. I was on my way to work. He's tall. He was wearing a yellow collared shirt. He's good looking. He looked at me and I turned away. Shy has prompted me to act like that. I was wearing a skirt that day. I had my oversized shades to cover my eyes and to shield away the shyness.

At 28 and having gone through multiple relationships, I still blush when I see a cute guy. Especially when the guy throws an interesting look at me. I am not good in personal introductions not unless in a business setting but there's nothing really personal in a business setting.

I must admit that I am still struggling with my own demons. The demon of low self esteem. Whenever I look myself in the mirror, I always see this girl with long curly hair, beautiful lips and soulful eyes. I see myself as beautiful and I am always thankful of the way I look. However, it always changes when I mingle around with people. Especially beautiful people and more especially if someone stares at me.

I don’t like being stared at. It gives me a feeling of being unworthy especially if the other person is quite good looking.

I know I need to fight this demon. God, please give me the strength to overcome this.

On thursday, on my way home, I saw another guy. I guess he works in a bank because his uniform looks like he does. He's between 30-35. Tall, lean and handsome. No wedding ring. He was sitting right across from where I was sitting. I had my earphones on as I was listening to music trying to kill my boredom while waiting for the traffic to ease up. It was raining then. The guy looked at me and he does so very so often. I saw it from the corner of my eye. I was pretending not to notice as I stared blankly at the billboard on the side of the road. I blushed again.

I really can’t help it. Shyness was slowly enveloping me. I felt uncomfortable that I fidgeted while I was glued to my seat. I looked very tired that day. I just got off from a long day at the office. I was hungry. I didn’t fix my hair and I don’t have my makeup on. I was tired and I simply wanted to go home and rest. The guy looks tired also but he nonetheless looked good despite of the tired look on his face. He may have been married.

I really have a serious problem when it comes to situations like this. It was so uncomfortable. Had it been a business situation, I would have approached the guys and introduced myself to begin a conversation with them. But the setting was personal and it was the real pearl they were staring at.

This is the reason why I don’t go out on blind dates.

I'd rather date a friend who knows me personally rather than start a new platonic relationship with someone I just met. Tried it before and it failed. I’m scared to try the next time. I’m scared that it may fail again.